Each day I accomplish something.  Yesterday, I paid some bills.  Today, I loaded up 6 suet feeders and put together an easel.  I read some, then nap for awhile.  I write some, then nap for a bit.  I’ve watched 7 episodes of Outlander.  I read the books years ago, back in the 90’s.  I’m surprised by how much I remember.  I’m studying for a certification exam but my heart really isn’t in it right now.  It will come.  I still have several weeks.  I walk my internal path from back to front, front to back.  Watch the birds.  The doves are back.

The phone rings.  I don’t recognize the number but something in me knows who it is.  I answer.  I was right.  Regional Health Cancer Care Institute.  There’s that c-word I have been so delicately dancing around.  They have called to schedule an appointment for next week with the oncologist.  I remind myself that I don’t really know what that means until I meet with him, find out what he has to say………find out what C-Kit positive really means and does it matter that it’s only “weakly positive”.  Show me the lab results and explain them so I understand.  When is a zebra just a zebra and when could it possibly be a unicorn?  What are the interstitial cells of Cajal and are mine really all that different?  In the garden of my digestive tract, was the GIST a perennial or an annual?  Or maybe just an isolated weed.  I call Tom to see if he can take the afternoon off and go with me.  I’m not driving yet.  Even if I were, I would want him there with me.  At least at the first visit.  I still feel strong and at peace, yet my voice trembles.  This little dose of reality kinda takes my breath away.

We’ve had thunderstorms for the last several nights.  The rain falls hard and heavy.  Flashes of light and rolling thunder.  It does not matter if my eyes are closed or if they are open……my world feels slightly surreal.